Living with the Power of Pleasure: Retreat Leader Xanet Pailet

Living with the Power of Pleasure: Retreat Leader Xanet Pailet

A Lifelong Journey of Vulnerability and Pleasure 

How do you become more comfortable with intimacy, sexuality, vulnerability

You might think you have to be born this way. 

But if Xanet Pailet’s life is any indication, great lovers are made, not born

Xanet is someone who truly lives what it means to live an intimate life. In her words, “My life’s work is to fold myself into intimacy.” 

Her own path offers both inspiration and example. Xanet draws from her lessons learned in the profound and life-changing work that she does with individuals, couples, and groups. 

You’d be forgiven for assuming that Xanet was born knowing it all. After all, Xanet regularly speaks out on vulnerability, sex, sexuality, and intimacy. Xanet has given sex and intimacy advice to Cosmo readers, offered tips on how to use a vibrator, been interviewed by podcasters such as “Sex with Emily, and is the author of the best-selling book “Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure.” You can find more on Xanet's website the Power of Pleasure.

She’s open about her journey. Open in a way that we can all learn from on our own path to cultivating greater vulnerability and the possibility of intimacy in our own lives, whatever that means for us. Xanet brings her full multifaceted self to her life and her work. She is a 62-year-old  mother as well as a grandmother of three. Xanet is currently in a committed sexual relationship with a partner 10 years younger than she is. 

And for anyone who thinks that age means a loss of sexuality and/or intimate connections, Xanet insists, “I feel more alive, vibrant, and sexual now than when I was younger. This is important for people to know. There is a lot to look forward to. Looking forward can happen both in the context of the spark of new relationship energy as well as the power and potential for a relationship to continue to transform or transform with age.

Xanet Pailet Living an Inspired Life with LA Yoga Magazine

Xanet Pailet’s Path to Pleasure 

Before her publicly hanging her shingle as a renowned sex and intimacy, educator and coach, Xanet was a healthcare lawyer by training and practice. She was also in a two decades long sexless marriage, so she knows what it is to live without the kind of relationship-based intimacy that leads to connection through sex and orgasm. Truly living a life of finding intimacy is part of what allows her to be an expert guide for those on their own journey. And it is part of what allows her to feel the sense of satisfaction from doing the work with others. 

As she says, Xanet finds being a guide “incredibly rewarding.” She continues, “I love the work I do with couples, having been part of a couple for 26 years and then being coupled again in a much different place.” 

“It is so apparent to me that we lose ourselves in relationships. We lose connection. We lose intimacy. We don’t know how to talk to each other about our needs, wants, or fantasies.” In those situations, toxicity and resentment can build up. Then connecting allows for shifts. 

“What I have found in my work on retreats, in opportunities to take a deep dive over a weekend or in a week-long experience, is that dynamics can change. Couples can change their dynamics and work on connection, communication, and touch while being coached.” 

At this point, Xanet has done this work with others for more than a decade. And it is a continuation of her own personal practice and her own commitment to connection. “It took me a long time to learn how to be safe being vulnerable or truly understanding what vulnerability really is.”

The Commitment to Personal Practice: Daily Wellness and Intimacy 

Xanet’s life is an ongoing reminder that maintaining the commitment to connection to oneself and in relationships is a lifelong practice. She shares some aspects of her own tools for wellness. She works with a  number of Eastern and Functional Medical practitioners. 

“To maintain my own health and vitality, I try to get a lot of sleep. It’s not always been that easy, but sleep is really important for me.” When she’s awake, she says, “I make space in my life for me.” In addition to sleeping, some of Xanet’s favorite wellness activities include reading, walking, biking, swimming, and soaking in a hot tub. 

Making space for herself, Xanet remarks, helps make more space for a partner. And importantly having great sex. “Sex is very important to me. The closeness, physical contact, and intimacy can strengthen who I am and help me be more focused, grounded, and aware of my body.” 

Xanet take a deeper dive on the subject here: Ten Surefire Ways to Ignite Your sex Life.


Xanet Pailet at home with LA Yoga Magazine

Where Do You Continue To Find Inspiration? 


“I am very inspired by nature. It is where I have found a lot of solace and peace. I live in a beautiful place with a 360 views of trees. I love the warm weather, so you can find me in the Winter in Florida and then Asheville in the Spring and Summer, where there are powerful vortices of energy in the mountains. I can feel these vortices, and in the work I do, I’m very sensitive to the subtleties of energy. All kinds of energy connects us to the sexual energy where we derive so much of our power and creativity in the rest of our lives.” 


“Reading historical fiction is an escape for me. I love learning about and traveling through different periods of time through books and living in the minds of different characters. I’m pretty sure I lived at least one past life in France where I was a dancer.”


Sade’s Lover’s Rock is one of my favorite albums especially for having sex. Her vibe and the lyrics can just sweep me up and deepen the experience. For other times, I like listening to Michael Franti, Trevor Hall and Leonard Cohen.


“I love dancing although I couldn’t tell you exactly what kind of music. 

Really, anything that allows me to feel a sense of rhythm. One of the things I love to do is to dance with my partner. Dancing inspires so much energy and allows me to feel alive.” 

The Power of Community on the Path of Intimacy 

When taking people on retreat, Xanet evokes the role of community, something that provides her strength in her own life. She says, “My community is there for me and I am there for them. Community is where we get a lot of connection as well as physical and spiritual support. 

On Retreat with Xanet Pailet at Palmaia House of Aia

“Our intimacy retreats provide the opportunity to reconnect and take in the beautiful view
around you and right in front of you.”

On retreat, Xanet shares how you can fold yourself into intimacy. Through the awareness of subtle energy, (breath, sound, and movement)  and your erotic style, she reveals the secrets that allow people to connect with their own sexual energy as well as the ability to connect with a partner’s subtle and sexual energies. All in service of living with greater joy, greater presence, greater confidence, and greater intimacy with oneself and others.